journeying towards radical acceptance and kindness

One of the greatest influences in my life as a parent has been Dr. Shefali, conscious parenting advocate and wisdom teacher. She was the one who taught me that parenting a child is primarily about raising our own selves,

about understanding and challenging the misbeliefs and myths we've brought into about ourselves and the world around us,

and about looking at how our own egoistic tendencies and behaviours creep in and influence our connection with our children.

These are lessons to be learnt over a lifetime. At each stage of D's life, there's an old insecurity that bursts forth anew from me,

an old way of seeing the world that I didn't even know existed and now demands to be changed,

a strange new fear that appears to have been unearthed anew whereas it had been lurking beneath the surface for the longest time.

It's the work of a lifetime to understand these happenings within us and develop ways to cope with them.

One of my favourite nuggets of wisdom that I've gleaned from reading/listening to Dr. Shefali over several years is this — the understanding that the greatest gift I can give D is complete, unconditional acceptance of him.

I heard Dr. Shefali explain this in a podcast, and I attempt to paraphrase her words here.

When we meet someone who accepts us unconditionally, we have an immense feeling of relief. A great sense of liberation that we can now drop our mask, we no longer need to keep up pretences, and that we can simply be who we are.

Our children deserve this from us, Dr. Shefali says. Home ought to be a place they come back to in order to find solace and relief, free of judgement, and full of acceptance, no matter what transpires with them in the world outside.

I think about these lines often. Every morning when I set an intention for how I'd like to show up throughout the day, it's kindness that comes foremost to my mind. Deep, unconditional kindness towards D and KrA, and also towards myself.

Which means accepting all their and my flaws and mistakes without blaming and shaming, without even necessarily seeking to change.

For instance, accepting the mess and clutter in our home as is, and either cleaning them up if we're able to, or accepting that we'd simply have to do it another time when we have more energy and time.

Understanding that everyone has a different way of navigating life and that no one way is necessarily better or worse than the other. Essentially, everyone is really doing the best they can.

This is easier said than done, though. It's something I've struggled with these past few months, especially when it comes to the choices that D makes in certain situations in which I'd have made a different choice.

For instance, just this morning D and I went on a planned shopping spree. Shortly after making the purchases, D started to plan what he'd like to purchase next.

In the past, I've often reacted by preaching to him about being content with what he has, about staying in the present moment and enjoying the goodness that exists in it.

Take another instance. Last week, we were away for a bit. Since the beginning of the year, D could talk about nothing but the vacation. And when we were on vacation last week, he began talking about what he'd like to do when we returned home.

I used to worry a lot about this, his tendency to look ahead towards the future. But that worry was always compounded by thoughts such as, What have I done to contribute to this? Have I made him like this? Aren't children supposed to be living in the present moment?

So the problem was not so much about his looking ahead to the future, but more about me thinking that that was a wrong thing to do and worrying that I had screwed up in my parenting somehow.

I revisited Dr. Shefali's words on acceptance last week. So this morning when D began talking about what else he'd like to purchase when he's saved up enough — he spent all his savings this morning — I replied matter-of-factly, "Sure, we can always save up for that."

He made some calculations as to how many weeks it would take him to save up the amount he had in mind, and what he'd like to purchase in which order of priority.

And then he moved on from that topic.

Perhaps my child does sometimes like to think ahead and plan and prepare for what's to come instead of entirely throwing caution to the wind. I've definitely seen him do that when it comes to tackling homework.

I do that too. Plan for the future. The near future, at least. Often to the extent that I obsess over it.

But he doesn't. It's a simple process of planning and preparation for him. One that I don't need to interfere with. One that he doesn't need me to judge him for.

Sometimes we think we need to preach to children, or even to our spouses and other people, on how to live, how to be, how to exist.

But those are just our opinions, our ways of navigating life, and not necessarily theirs.

I've always wanted KrA to throw out the junk mail as soon as he's gone through them, but they'd often remain on the countertop. I was quick to declare him as lazy because he wouldn't clear the clutter immediately.

Once he explained to me that he leaves them on the countertop so that I too would have a chance of looking through them to see if anything was of interest to me.

As someone who values agency significantly, how could I possibly argue with that?

I am the kind of person who wakes up early to catch the sun rise. When I wake up at 3 a.m., I look out of the window to see the stars in the night sky.

D doesn't share my enthusiasm for natural beauty. It doesn't move him as much as it does me.

I used to worry about that too. That somehow I've not done enough to install a love of nature in my child.

But that's not true.

If I think about it, I can tell that I've put in concerted effort to make sure D had plenty of outdoor time everyday when he was younger. Now that he's older, given a chance he'd much rather stay at home reading a book, which is also a perfectly valid way of enjoying his day.

I think for the first time in my life I'm having to reckon with the fact that my child is a very different person than I am, that he is a very different person than the ego fantasy in my head tells me he ought to be.

And his way of navigating his day is completely valid. I am now learning to accept that, and not make it all about me or my parenting abilities or any lack thereof.

Acceptance is an unfamiliar place for me, I've come to realize. I've faced life with a lot of resistance. Not liking the circumstances of my life or the people in it, and often becoming paralyzed into inaction because my mind couldn't think of anything other than how much I disliked and didn't agree with what was going on.

Now that I'm beginning to get a taste of how things are when I let circumstances and other people be, the relief is huge and palpable.

There are still instances when I want to grip things tight. When I want someone to behave a certain way, the way I'd behave with them for instance, and they don't.

I've always been quick to make it about me — I must have done something wrong — rather than understand that it was never about me in the first place.

Everyone behaves in ways that are dictated by their natural instincts and tendencies. We can either accept it or walk away from it, especially if it causes us harm.

But let's not misinterpret our dislike for/disagreement with something as being harmed by it.

When I disagree with D and KrA about the choices they make, the only thing that's actually being harmed is my ego when I don't accept their choices wholeheartedly.

Of course there are boundaries. If D were to choose to not do his homework, I wouldn't agree with that. He certainly has the agency to decide which of his assignments he'd like to tackle first, but not doing his work is not an option.

It's something he understands the importance of too. How doing our work and taking responsibility for our choices helps us grow.

It's a small shift in perspective, but one that helps me remember that I'm not in control, and that I don't need to be in control.

I can let life run its course, and it won't harm me. In fact, going with the flow of life only makes me stronger inwardly.

I love being a place of calm and acceptance, both for myself and for whoever comes into my orbit.

When things don't go my way, it doesn't mean that I did something wrong. It only means I'm human, and that my life is unfolding exactly as it is meant to, with all its ups and downs and unexpected meanderings.

Call it fate, call it karma, call it whatever you want. At the end of the day, it feels quite liberating to not have to hold myself responsible for everything that doesn't go my way.

And I'd take that feeling of relief, peace and contentment over everything else any day.

What about you? Where, in your life, do you wish things were different? And why? Could it possibly be resistance to the as-isness of life?